February 17, 2003
The Penguins are Complaining
The 54th blizzard is headed toward New England, and with that in mind, I checked the weather.com forecast for Boston. I clicked on the 10-day forecast, and what I saw alarmed me. I called the Harvard Climatology Department; they were happy to answer all my questions for a $4,000 donation (check's in the mail, guys!). Here's a transcript of our conversation.
Q: How are you guys?
A: Fine. You?
Q: Not bad. Now I have a question about this forecast. It says that later this week, temperatures will be in the low-to-mid 40's. Is that right?
A: Yes, it is.
Q: I can't believe that! Can human life withstand those extreme temperatures?
A: Suprisingly, it can. I know it seems like Boston's been frozen solid for generations, but we actually went above 32 degrees (that's the freezing point) for a good solid hour back in early January. And records from last November show that the city actually enjoyed a spell in the 50s.
Q: Wow, that must be like living on the surface of Mercury.
A: (chuckles) Sure is. And remember, when the planet enters its solarcentic, or "summer" season, we might record temperatures in the 60s or above. It's hard to visualize, I know.
Q: What's life like in the Climatology Dept. these days?
A: You know the Stephen King book "Thinner"? How the obese lawyer has a Gypsy curse placed on him to lose weight until he's a hideous skeleton? And how every morning, he resignedly approaches the bathroom scale, knowing full well that his horrible wasting disease is continuing and there's not a damn thing he can do about it?
Q: Yup.
A: That's how we feel all the time now.
Q: Pretty amazing. One last question about winter. Remember last winter, how it was really mild and the only time it really snowed was the evening of the Patriots-Raiders game? Which the Patriots won? Is there a scientific explanation for that?
A: (suddenly abrupt) You'd have to talk to the Divinity School for that.
