December 25, 2003
The Cookies of Justice
There's a new trend on campus; college Republicans are having bake sales in which they price cookies differently for differently-raced students, in what they think is an accurate and cogent protest against affirmative action.
Because, y'know, you don't know what discrimination is until you've seen anti-white-conservative discrimination.
But maybe they have a point. Maybe you can sum up 300 years of race relations in America with a cookie sale. Here's how you'd go about it:
1.) The bake sale runs from 11AM to noon. Until 11:45, only white students are allowed to purchase cookies.
2.) At 11:45, minority students will be allowed to form a single line to purchase cookies. They will only be allowed Hydrox and Walmart-brand discount shortbread, while the white students still have access to the Pepperidge Farm Chessmen and other quality baked goods.
3. At 11:55, concerned about the new makeup of the line, many of the white students will move to another table, where they will quietly begin dispensing gourmet treats brought in from a nationally-known bakery.
4. At 11:58, a couple of minority students will be waved to the front of the line and allowed to purchase Chessmen; at this time, the white students (those who haven't been secretly invited to the auxilliary table) may begin whining about having to share.
