Archives for April 2003
April 22, 2003
Just Another Marketing Opportunity
It just gets more and more disgusting. The 2004 Republican Convention will be scheduled around 9/11 (link from Oliver).
The convention, to be held in New York City, will be the latest since the Republican Party was founded in 1856, and Mr. Bush's advisers said they chose the date so the event would flow into the commemorations of the third anniversary of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks.
Maybe they can make it fun for the delegates. After a hard day of conventioneering, they can all take a bus tour down to the World Trade Center crater. Maybe they can get their picture taken in front of the buildings that are still uninhabitable. And Bush can make another rousing speech and talk about how 9/11 is the reason we're going after Syria...or Uzbekistan...or whatever country has joined the Revolving Axis of Evil by then (hey, in 16 months, maybe we'll be down to Micronesia and Wales). And then they can get all the Republican Senators to sing again. Should be quite a party.
And why not? Why should 9/11 still be a somber memory, just because they haven't rebuilt anything at Ground Zero? Just because for thousands who lost a loved one that day, and for millions who didn't, it's still too freaky to think about what happened that day for more than a few seconds? Just because we still really don't know who set up the attacks, or if and when we're going to catch them? Hey, there's a party to be had and a President to re(elect*).
Mark my words; we're four years away from the first September 11th Anniversary Used Car Sale.
April 20, 2003
Climb On My Back, Boys
So money.
Paul Pierce took the game over yesterday, scoring at will in the 4th quarter and leaving the Pacers sputtering for some hope. My favorite is the thought that since they usually win Game 1 and then lose the series, they might win the series since they lost Game 1. Um, yeah.
In non-stunning-comeback-related sports news, the Rangers' Carl Everett was beaned on the head by a cell phone thrown by an Oakland fan. While it's debatable whether more damage was sustained by the phone or Everett's concrete head, this highlights a disturbing trend in baseball.
Chicago White Sox fans are charging the field in droves with assault on their minds and trace amounts of blood in their alcoholstreams. The White Sox, who you thought played in Comiskey Park, actually play in (ahem) U.S. Cellular Field.
See the connection? Alcohol and cell phones don't mix. It's that simple, folks.
April 18, 2003
Go Make Plans!
Exploit Boston! is live! If you live in the area, it's going to be a great, comprehensive source for live music, artsy events, book readings, parties, and other cool events. Check it out and keep checking it; Sooz is working like crazy to get everything in town up on the site.
1984
It's become sort of a cliche to say that Orwell was ___ years ahead of his time, but some of this stuff is terrifyingly close to the truth:
Blackwhite ("loyal willingness to say black is white when party discipline demands this")/Crimestop ("....protective stupidity"): 9/11 is Iraq's fault. And Syria's too. And the war in Iraq was always about liberation only. Nothing else.
Doublethink ("The power to hold two completely contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accept both of them. "): We'll go it alone if we have to. But we have a coalition. But we won't wait for the UN. But you're either with us or against us.
Hate week: Brought to you by Clear Channel.
Prolefeed: "Rubishy "Entertainment" and spurious news which the Party handed out to the masses"
Resistance: "The only thing that is for sure, is that the party blamed every possible woe of society on this group." Troops in Iraq will be endangered by Tim Robbins speaking in Cooperstown.
Two Minute Hate. ("Daily telescreen specials in which various elements of crimethink were packaged into a parade of horrible images and sounds, at which, the viewers were expected to boo, hiss, curse. and release any negative emotions upon") If only it were only two minutes.
And that's just a quick scan. This country is getting seriously scary. If this Salon article doesn't terrify you, then put another flag on your car, write another letter to the New York Post, and pray, to whatever God you pray to, that people who don't think the way you do, never get access to these powers.
April 17, 2003
Feel the Hate
Like I did for the NJ Nets last year, and like the Administration's trying to get us all to do for Syria right now, it's time to build up some Irrational Hate for the Celtics' first round opponent, the Indiana Pacers. Here goes:
Coach Isiah Thomas: This hate is rational. Isiah was a key member of Incarnate Evil, the Pistons of the late-80s/early-90s. He said that if Larry Bird were black, "he'd be just another good guy"; yeah, and he still would have picked off your pitiful inbound pass and sent you packing, Isiah. He said that the greatest players of the 80s were Bird, Magic, Michael and himself, which (I've said it before and I'll say it again) is like saying the US's biggest automakers are Ford, GM, Chrysler and Matchbox. He singlehandedly submarined the CBA. He froze Jordan out of the '85 All-Star Game as a player; then he froze Pierce and Walker out of this year's game as a coach.
Ron Artest: Is absolutely nuts; skim this page and count the number of times you see "suspended" or "ejection" or "drank own blood". Is a danger to fans, opponents and TV monitors around the league. He could, however, be a good test of the Fleet Center fans; can we break him, and how long will it take? I say if we're good, by the 3rd Quarter of Game 3.
Austin Croshere: His hammer-job on Paul Pierce cost the C's a playoff spot in 2001. I will not argue about this.
Tim Hardaway: Set an example for Mr. Artest in the TV-monitor-throwing department. He also made some stupid remarks about Antoine a couple years ago, which I can't remember precisely and Google fails to corroborate.
Ron Mercer: I always liked Mercer, personally, but his presence is a reminder of Rick Pitino. How Rick said that Mercer and Chauncey Billups were his "backcourt of the future", then traded them both within seconds (and, after a fashion, ended up with Vin Baker). We will never forget, Rick. Never.
Reggie Miller: Flops like the fish at the end of the Faith No More video. He'll drive the basket, get breathed on by a defender, then throw his arms (and the ball up) like he just got 4,000 volts to the groin. And usually gets away with it. And yet no defender has planted him just to show him what an actual foul looks like. Mitigating Factors: His "choke" sign at Spike Lee and the Knicks earns a lot of Brownie points here.
Indiana in General: Took the everybody-has-a-shot state basketball tournament that inspired Hoosiers and turned it into a class/division thing. Gave the nation Dan Quayle. For the most part, they unconditionally supported evil coach Bob Knight. And isn't the name "Conseco Fieldhouse" just a little too precious?
Prediction: "It'll take a miracle" - Miracle Max. The C's just aren't that good. Pacers in seven.
Urgent Business Relationship
Finally, an answer to the question on everyone's mind:
"What happens when Nigerian con men try to scam a religion-obsessed atheist crackpot?"
Here's the answer. I guess, in a way, it's comforting to know there's a real person at the other end of the Nigerian scams. In a way.
April 16, 2003
Man of the Year
To go with the annual A to Z, I was going to institute the BunkoSquad Man of the Year Award this December.
But the rest of the year will be anticlimactic; Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf has already sewn up the award. For bravely claiming that Iraq was winning the war, as US tanks rumbled along behind him. For inventing crazy and colorful new epithets to hurl at the enemy. And for being the sole source of humor in the grim early days of America Gone Wild. The fact that a web site devoted to al-Sahaf was overloaded and crashed right after it launched (no Black Hawk jokes, please) shows I'm not alone in thinking this guy has a great late-night talk-show career ahead of him.
So congratulations, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. You're BunkoSquad's Man of the Month for April.
PS: The first picture here had me cackling hysterically.
April 14, 2003
Four-Letter Words
No, not the ones that have lately accompanied weather reports or Celtics offensive possessions (and I use the word "offensive" advisedly). No, I'm talking about real four-letter words, and the inspiration that's struck me to make a mix-CD exclusively of songs that have four letter titles.
Here's what I've got so far (in alphabetical order): Babe, Bomb, Cars, Dead, Deep, Epic, Fame, Fell, Fuel, Fire, Hell, Hook, Hurt, Iris, Jane, Jump, Laid, Legs, Lies, Limp, Lola, Luka, Numb, Ohio, Pets, Rain, Roam, Taxi, Time, Type, YMCA, Yoda.
That's just what's in my MP3 collection. Any suggestions, comment below. Or if you have any other weird theme suggestions; I feel a new Golden Age of CD-mixing coming on me.
April 12, 2003
It Was A Rainy Day...
...and the children all gathered under a large oak tree as the tribal elder told them stories. Back in their parents' parents' time, he said, the earth hadn't been covered in water. Although their sins had forced the angry gods to visit them with eternal rain, wind and snow, that hadn't always been the case. In the old days, he continued, a large orange ball would occasionally appear in the sky and the rain would briefly stop.
The children asked, what do we need to do to make the orange ball appear again? They said, we'd like to play baseball, or go camping, or just be able to walk down to the store without bundling up for a trip to the Arctic.
The tribal elder said that anything was possible. Perhaps in time, he said, the orange ball (which he called "the sun"), would return, disperse the clouds, and raise temperatures to the unheard-of levels of 50, maybe even a shocking 60, degrees. He promised that, in time, the children would be able to go play outside once again.
The children looked doubtfully at one another. The tribal elder was clearly out of his mind. They shook their heads, and slinked back off into the pouring rain.
April 11, 2003
Mmmm...Sandwiches
For some reason, this has come up a lot at work lately. But now we're all curious: what do people call big sandwiches in different parts of the country? Subs, grinders, hoagies, heros, torpedos, etc? As best as I can tell, hoagies are a PA/NJ thing, grinders are mostly in New England, and New Orleans takes it to new levels with the muffalatta. We'd like to create a map of this; you can help by posting a comment telling us where you are (or where you're from) and what you call them. We can't pay you for your help but we can recommend a wonderful editorial on sandwiches from The Onion.
The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness
So says the quote from Bull Durham. In case you haven't heard, this is the 15th anniversary of that wonderful movie, and the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown had planned to have a day of festivities later this month to honor it.
Had planned. It was scrapped because stars Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are too political. At least, according to Hall president Dale Petroskey (a former Reagan flunkie), who said that Sarandon and Robbins' known anti-war stance "ultimately could put our troops in even more danger".
Hey, if the Hall survived induction speeches by Casey Stengel, Yogi Berra, and Steve "The world is controlled by 12 Jewish Bankers" Carlton, I think it can survive the presence of two actors who have minority opinions.
April 10, 2003
Sweet Victory
No weapons of mass destruction.
Saddam's still out there...like Osama.
No sign of the Iraqi terrorists, or if there ever were any.
No assurances that the rebuilding of Iraq won't turn into a boondoggle like Afghanistan.
But, hey! We knocked down a statue!
Don't get me wrong; the concept of Iraqis living free of an evil regime oughtta make everyone happy. But that was only one of 6 or 7 justifications for this invasion. And if the US Armed Forces is now the Globe-Roving Band of Oppressor-Eliminators, well, don't expect to see the boys home anytime soon. They have about 83 more countries to liberate.
But I'll give our Administration credit for learning one thing. If you keep changing the goals, you can claim victory over and over again...
April 07, 2003
What to Make of This?
A short encounter between a bookstore clerk (played by me) and a crazy lady (played by herself). To set the scene, she's just harassed me about sales tax; I've refrained from debate, bagged her book and am about to bid her good-day.
Clerk: There you go...thanks!
Lady: Do you write book reviews?
Clerk: Well...no....
Lady: It shows! (exit)
So? Does it? Could I have handled that better?
I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watchin' Me
Sooz was peeking at my web stats and found something kind of alarming. I got 2 hits from this URL (don't bother clicking; nothing will load):
http://sseop101.eop.gov/HOMSEC/Watchlists/suspect/view.jsp
Yikes! A little investigation revealed that eop.gov is the Executive Office of the President, and a closer look at the URL reveals the words "Watchlist" and "suspect". I guess my relentless (ahem) sniping at the Administration is raising some eyebrows in DC. I also guess that Osama's been found, terror's been wiped out, and the economy is strong, if someone has time to catalog the web for the 1 trillion non-flattering mentions of Bush and Ashcroft. Well, I always wanted to be noticed...
UPDATE: Sooz let me twist in the wind a bit before fessing up that someone out there with a sick sense of humor has been fudging something to make it look like it's real. But it's not. I guess that means that Osama's still at large, terror's still out there, and the economy's in the crapper. Whew, what a relief! Back to reality.
So instead let's play Word Association. White House...Bush...election fraud...Florida. On Mikhaela's site, there's a link to a Weekly Dig interview with Greg Palast. Palast just wrote The Best Democracy Money Can Buy, and has a lot to say about the disenfranchisement of black voters in Florida. It's pretty sickening. Mikhaela's boyfriend Yves (a buddy of mine) points out, correctly, that this has been buried in the sea of Naderbashing and chad-stupidity perpetrated by Democrats the last three years.
If thousands and thousands of black voters in Florida were pushed aside because (among other injustices) their names kinda sorta looked like the names of convicted criminals, isn't this the biggest story of the decade? Especially since we can probably assume more of them would have voted for Gore? And the last 2 1/2 years would have played out completely differently? Sorry to any Republicans who stumbled on the site searching for "disenfranchisement of black voters", but I'm not ready to get over it. A criminal is always anxious to move the parlor discussion away from the crime. It doesn't mean we should let him.
April 04, 2003
The 0.01% Majority Has Spoken
ITEM: Fans walk after Pearl Jam singer's anti-Bush statement
And now the rest of the story. I'm not familiar with Denver's Pepsi Center, but as a functioning NBA/NHL arena, the capacity must be somewhere in the 15-20K range. So to report that "dozens" of fans walked out is sort of ignoring the fact that thousands and thousands of people didn't walk out. And this happened during the encore! Have you ever been to a show where people didn't start leaving a little early, to get a jump on traffic?
Furthermore, who goes to a Pearl Jam concert and doesn't know that they mix politics into their worldview? One fleeing concertgoer told The Rocky Mountain News, "I love Pearl Jam, but that was just way over the edge. We literally got up and left." (Literally?) Do you know Eddie Vedder actively campaigned for Ralph Nader? Have you heard his (unbelievably good) cover of Dylan's "Masters of War"?
April 03, 2003
All This Positive Energy is Bad
ESPN's Rob Neyer predicts that the Red Sox will win the World Series. I have nothing really to add, except that since 1918, an estimated 5,743,129,064 cries of "This will be the year!" have flown around the Boston area (I myself am responsible for about 650 of them) and so far, no dice.
Me, I'm trying to convince myself they'll win between 70 and 75 games, thus setting myself up for a possible pleasant surprise. Yeah. Maybe that'll work.
